Pity Party for One: Number WhoGivesAShitAnymore?

It is a beautiful day today. They called for rain, and we got sun and a pleasant breeze. It's the kind of weather that one would appreciate and celebrate by going outside to play with friends, take a pleasure jog, or even people watch.

But I can't do that. Rather, I can't bring myself to do that.

I'm on my Spring Break right now, and while I could be relaxing like every other college student (reads: sleeping in and doing whatever the shit I want), I am reminded every morning that I'm not like every other college student. I'm not like every other person my age.

My sister is on her Spring Break as well and home from school. The family dynamic is back to where I am left to my own self-isolation, amplified by the fact that what little attention I get is very little and very late. My opinion doesn't matter; when I'm right, I'm wrong; everyone gets pissed at me just as fast as I get pissed at them for getting pissed at me. And then life goes on once everyone retires to their bed and sleeps the day away only to wake up like nothing happened and nothing changed. At least in the major sense. I'm sure if someone died, the next day would feel empty for most of us.

It's a beautiful day today, and all the beautiful people are out. Women jogging to keep their already tone figures in shape; buff men playing sports shirtless for all to see; families enjoying the day together at the local park's plastic playground equipment.

And I cannot enjoy it. I sit here and whine to everyone and nobody at once, wishing to be rescued. An easy target for those that need easy pray, sure. I won't deny that.

The creativity hasn't come back. The best idea I have had since this supposed period of relaxation involved appropriating something I saw on an anime (Tenchi Muyo, to be specific). It won't pass as art. It will only pass as that little something I wasn't suppose to do: making a video piece to show off what I can do instead of trying to communicate an idea.

Someone on YouTube called me out on that recently with my War Games piece, and I can see what they were talking about now. The only reason I made that piece was because I could and not because I wanted to communicate what I thought I was trying to. And if my art education has taught me anything that is a basic truth, it is that apparently you can't do that in the contemporary gallery scene. That isn't art. That's bullshit.

It's a very beautiful day today. I can see it from the window close to me. The flowers are blooming, and the small wildlife in our backyard is actively gathering and preparing for when the sun goes down. The kids that live behind us are running all over their yard like it's summer again to burn off whatever energy they have had stored up after being in school for the whole day.

I wish I could enjoy today like they can.