Monday, December 16, 2002
I found out when my sister came home cause she had a headache that today there's a football game downtown. I guess it's a good thing I pussied out of going on the bus today, or else I wouldn't be able to come home. See, come near game time, the bus routes change so that almost every bus going from downtown goes to the stadium. Inconvinet, yes, but have you seen the parking downtown?!
God, I'm such a pussy.
Last night, I couldn't get any sleep despite my early retirement to the bed. You can tell I didn't get enough sleep simply by that last sentance. The reason was because I got really ansy. See, the plan was to originally wake up at around the same time I woke up before to catch the earliest bus I can to OpryMills. I ended up staying away up untill the alarms went off. I turned them off and said to myself that I just can't do it. I didn't feel comfortible about doing the bus thing. I mean, what if I don't have enough fare? What about what my aunt said about timing it so I'm not stuck in downtown too long? And what about missing the stops?
Okay, so they are really nothing, but I just didn't feel comfortable with them! It's bad enough I can't remember the times let alone have a decently printed time sheet for the other bus I have to catch. This whole thing just scares me alot. It's too new. Yeah, getting my ATM card was cool, and that was a new experiance for me too, but this is a different kind of new. This one I could botch up and end up on the wrong side of town like that one guy on 7th Heaven, only here, the wrong side of town could get me shot!
Damn, I really wish Dan was here. He'd help me out with this.
Last night, I couldn't get any sleep despite my early retirement to the bed. You can tell I didn't get enough sleep simply by that last sentance. The reason was because I got really ansy. See, the plan was to originally wake up at around the same time I woke up before to catch the earliest bus I can to OpryMills. I ended up staying away up untill the alarms went off. I turned them off and said to myself that I just can't do it. I didn't feel comfortible about doing the bus thing. I mean, what if I don't have enough fare? What about what my aunt said about timing it so I'm not stuck in downtown too long? And what about missing the stops?
Okay, so they are really nothing, but I just didn't feel comfortable with them! It's bad enough I can't remember the times let alone have a decently printed time sheet for the other bus I have to catch. This whole thing just scares me alot. It's too new. Yeah, getting my ATM card was cool, and that was a new experiance for me too, but this is a different kind of new. This one I could botch up and end up on the wrong side of town like that one guy on 7th Heaven, only here, the wrong side of town could get me shot!
Damn, I really wish Dan was here. He'd help me out with this.
Friday, December 13, 2002
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Depressing day today.
It all started last night. Dad said that he and Mom had to sign off on a home loan. My first thought was that we're poor for real this time, that they aren't just saying that to try to make me not spend money or something like that. Then, almost as fast I thought that line of thought up, I realized something. I was getting "volenteered" again. Dad wanted me to help out my Auntie at the store so that she isn't overwhelmed. My reaction to that request was nothing short of upset. They even offered to pay me! There's a first. I silently decided to sleep on it.
Fast forward to this morning around 09:00.
I woke up and groggily called the store. My aunt picked up the phone and I asked if they still need me overthere. It turned out that the customer flow was slow, so they didn't really need me. So much for that, I guess.
The rest of the day consisted of the usual going on the internet for substance (In cause you didn't know already, the internet and video games in general are like my "happy drug". Hey, it beats alcohol and marajuana.), eating raw Raman noodles, sleeping, and not really giving a damn any more as to where my future is going. Yup, that's right, I don't give a damn any more. I've screwed up too many times in my life for there to be a chance of me turning that around. I've tried to fixed to many of the potholes on the road of life. It's about time I just submit to them.
Fast forward to roughly 17:32.
I wanted to cook some mushroom quesodillas just to get rid of the mushrooms. No one that came home felt like going to Kroger, so I ended up using what we had in the fridge to make a kind of pasta cassarole thing. I don't know exactly what it was, but all I know is that it didn't come out the way I wanted it to.
I made the mistake of listening to the soundtrack to How the Grinch Stole Christmas from a few years ago. There are two songs on there that make me want to cry. "You Don't Have to be Alone" and "Where are you, Christmas?" Each has a different meaning to me. The most potent of them is the second song, mostly because I feel our family has lost its once prized bond between family members around this time of year. It used to be we'd be able to have this fun Christmas where we didn't care what we got and every day was a happy day. Now, it just sucks. We try to make it up to each other by giving presents, but you can tell just by the presents themselves that we've grown apart over the years. Sucks, huh?
When everyone came back from wherever they were, I single-handedly had set the table, cooked dinner for at least four, and was just waiting for the compliments. Not one came. Not a single one. I finally did something "out of character," and the only thing I got was a few compliments on how good the dish was. I was aiming for praises of how I did things I don't normally do. Guess I was aiming too high. After everyone finished eating, I also cleaned up after them. Dishes, table. The only thing I didn't do is put the stuff back in the cabinet.
Fast forward to 21:47.
James signed on to AIM. It surprised me that he was so happy when I was talking to him. Then it got ugly after he broke the ice. Due to recent events and actions on my part, all of which you can read in the last blog I did and other past blogs, James has come to the realization that I'm not the one for him and that we should just move on. Normally, most people would be upset about this, but I wasn't. Admittingly, I was actually expecting it. I mean, he's only human, right? Everyone has their limits and if I meant to or not, I crossed his. I could be wrong, and I bet I am, but normally after something like this, the ex'es become friends for a while. At least that's what happened with me and his cousin Andrew. Not the case here. Judging from the fact that James is who he is, he's not going to be online alot, I'll never meet him, and I seriously doubt he'll ever give me the time of day. Something tells me from this point on, things between me and the boys will just taper into compleate and utter deletion from the friendship folder.
Suddenly, as if getting dumped wasn't bad enough, I find out that Andrew got into a fight with Josh. You know, the one that hates me and wants to see me dead? Andrew was defending me, but it turned out that he was defending me with the wrong information. That pissed him off royally. I was verbally attacked and beaten up by him after the scuffle in which I couldn't say anything short of just submitting to Josh's aqusations about me. What else can I say? I've screwed up so many times that I really don't think anything I can say to Andrew could fix anything... no matter how well he can smooth things over with Josh and James. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate his help. Whenever the chips were ever down, Andrew was always there for me. But after this? He's not going to be there to defend me anymore. He's pissed at the things I've done recently and for not knowing the true facts. If I were him, I'd also be pissed that I was defending a loser that just sucks. I bet he feels that way too.
The last IM I got was Andrew telling me he has to cool down Josh since he said that all this was my fault and he has to act. Knowing Josh, that can't mean anything good. What exactly do I mean? Let's just say my family is going to need alot more than a home loan.
It all started last night. Dad said that he and Mom had to sign off on a home loan. My first thought was that we're poor for real this time, that they aren't just saying that to try to make me not spend money or something like that. Then, almost as fast I thought that line of thought up, I realized something. I was getting "volenteered" again. Dad wanted me to help out my Auntie at the store so that she isn't overwhelmed. My reaction to that request was nothing short of upset. They even offered to pay me! There's a first. I silently decided to sleep on it.
Fast forward to this morning around 09:00.
I woke up and groggily called the store. My aunt picked up the phone and I asked if they still need me overthere. It turned out that the customer flow was slow, so they didn't really need me. So much for that, I guess.
The rest of the day consisted of the usual going on the internet for substance (In cause you didn't know already, the internet and video games in general are like my "happy drug". Hey, it beats alcohol and marajuana.), eating raw Raman noodles, sleeping, and not really giving a damn any more as to where my future is going. Yup, that's right, I don't give a damn any more. I've screwed up too many times in my life for there to be a chance of me turning that around. I've tried to fixed to many of the potholes on the road of life. It's about time I just submit to them.
Fast forward to roughly 17:32.
I wanted to cook some mushroom quesodillas just to get rid of the mushrooms. No one that came home felt like going to Kroger, so I ended up using what we had in the fridge to make a kind of pasta cassarole thing. I don't know exactly what it was, but all I know is that it didn't come out the way I wanted it to.
I made the mistake of listening to the soundtrack to How the Grinch Stole Christmas from a few years ago. There are two songs on there that make me want to cry. "You Don't Have to be Alone" and "Where are you, Christmas?" Each has a different meaning to me. The most potent of them is the second song, mostly because I feel our family has lost its once prized bond between family members around this time of year. It used to be we'd be able to have this fun Christmas where we didn't care what we got and every day was a happy day. Now, it just sucks. We try to make it up to each other by giving presents, but you can tell just by the presents themselves that we've grown apart over the years. Sucks, huh?
When everyone came back from wherever they were, I single-handedly had set the table, cooked dinner for at least four, and was just waiting for the compliments. Not one came. Not a single one. I finally did something "out of character," and the only thing I got was a few compliments on how good the dish was. I was aiming for praises of how I did things I don't normally do. Guess I was aiming too high. After everyone finished eating, I also cleaned up after them. Dishes, table. The only thing I didn't do is put the stuff back in the cabinet.
Fast forward to 21:47.
James signed on to AIM. It surprised me that he was so happy when I was talking to him. Then it got ugly after he broke the ice. Due to recent events and actions on my part, all of which you can read in the last blog I did and other past blogs, James has come to the realization that I'm not the one for him and that we should just move on. Normally, most people would be upset about this, but I wasn't. Admittingly, I was actually expecting it. I mean, he's only human, right? Everyone has their limits and if I meant to or not, I crossed his. I could be wrong, and I bet I am, but normally after something like this, the ex'es become friends for a while. At least that's what happened with me and his cousin Andrew. Not the case here. Judging from the fact that James is who he is, he's not going to be online alot, I'll never meet him, and I seriously doubt he'll ever give me the time of day. Something tells me from this point on, things between me and the boys will just taper into compleate and utter deletion from the friendship folder.
Suddenly, as if getting dumped wasn't bad enough, I find out that Andrew got into a fight with Josh. You know, the one that hates me and wants to see me dead? Andrew was defending me, but it turned out that he was defending me with the wrong information. That pissed him off royally. I was verbally attacked and beaten up by him after the scuffle in which I couldn't say anything short of just submitting to Josh's aqusations about me. What else can I say? I've screwed up so many times that I really don't think anything I can say to Andrew could fix anything... no matter how well he can smooth things over with Josh and James. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate his help. Whenever the chips were ever down, Andrew was always there for me. But after this? He's not going to be there to defend me anymore. He's pissed at the things I've done recently and for not knowing the true facts. If I were him, I'd also be pissed that I was defending a loser that just sucks. I bet he feels that way too.
The last IM I got was Andrew telling me he has to cool down Josh since he said that all this was my fault and he has to act. Knowing Josh, that can't mean anything good. What exactly do I mean? Let's just say my family is going to need alot more than a home loan.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
I really wish I knew how to start this particular blog. It's kind of hard to talk about things just out of the blue sometimes.
Last night, I had the pleasent surprise to be able to chat with David. He's a really cool guy. It's a good thing we talked, cause I really needed an ear to listen to me. Dan is probibly busy with James and Bill and Sam, so that made me think I wouldn't be able to unless he locked himself in his room while he and I chatted online. Anyway, the short of it is that I needed someone to talk to. Somewhere along the line, we started talking about how I ended up back here in Nashville which somehow lead to the boys' additude towards me.
David thinks I am totally out of luck ever getting back in their good graces ever again.
The straw that broke the camel's back is a combinations of misunderstandings on both my part and theirs. Well, I take that back, it's mostly my fault. I did some things that were unfavorible while I was up in Seattle that made the boys go into overprotective mode. Frankly, I think they hate me. They are tired of my rantting and wanting an ear to listen and a sholder to cry on. They don't like the way I do things. They think I am stupid.
Sometimes I wish I was better off not knowing them. But then it's times like these that I can't seem to get them out of my head.
I'm so pathetic.
Last night, I had the pleasent surprise to be able to chat with David. He's a really cool guy. It's a good thing we talked, cause I really needed an ear to listen to me. Dan is probibly busy with James and Bill and Sam, so that made me think I wouldn't be able to unless he locked himself in his room while he and I chatted online. Anyway, the short of it is that I needed someone to talk to. Somewhere along the line, we started talking about how I ended up back here in Nashville which somehow lead to the boys' additude towards me.
David thinks I am totally out of luck ever getting back in their good graces ever again.
The straw that broke the camel's back is a combinations of misunderstandings on both my part and theirs. Well, I take that back, it's mostly my fault. I did some things that were unfavorible while I was up in Seattle that made the boys go into overprotective mode. Frankly, I think they hate me. They are tired of my rantting and wanting an ear to listen and a sholder to cry on. They don't like the way I do things. They think I am stupid.
Sometimes I wish I was better off not knowing them. But then it's times like these that I can't seem to get them out of my head.
I'm so pathetic.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
It's amazing.
I've been feeling crappy for the last few days inside. For some reason, after I got done cooking up some really hot quesodillas, I'm all find and dandy.
I wonder if this new found outlet is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I may have a potential future in the culinary arts and all, but it just seems too soon to tell.
Still, it can't hurt none... right?
I've been feeling crappy for the last few days inside. For some reason, after I got done cooking up some really hot quesodillas, I'm all find and dandy.
I wonder if this new found outlet is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I may have a potential future in the culinary arts and all, but it just seems too soon to tell.
Still, it can't hurt none... right?
Monday, December 09, 2002
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Good thing I already have a Kougra in my NeoPet account.
Well, I did it. I finally did something that I was fearing would go over really badly.
I went to the local Walgreens and bought me four six-packs of KY Liquid personal lube. Hey, they were $3.49 each, and there were only four boxes left, so why not clean them out so I won't have to go back for awhile, right?
I went to the local Walgreens and bought me four six-packs of KY Liquid personal lube. Hey, they were $3.49 each, and there were only four boxes left, so why not clean them out so I won't have to go back for awhile, right?
Sunday, December 08, 2002
Here's a little story that someone posted on a NeoPets Guild that I happen to be a part of. It's so cute that I felt like sharing it here.
Kitten From Heaven
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor of his church.
He had a kitten that climbed up his tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitten would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a bit further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they had seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping" and went about his buisness.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. He happened to look in her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her why she was buying cat food when you hate cats so much? She replied "You won't believe this" and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it!" She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees and asked God for a cat. And really, pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with his paws outspread and landed right in front of her."
Kind of gives you that warm fuzzy comfy feeling inside, doesn't it?
All together now... 3... 2... 1... AWWWWWwwwwwww.
Kitten From Heaven
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor of his church.
He had a kitten that climbed up his tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitten would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a bit further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they had seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping" and went about his buisness.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members. He happened to look in her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her why she was buying cat food when you hate cats so much? She replied "You won't believe this" and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it!" She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees and asked God for a cat. And really, pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with his paws outspread and landed right in front of her."
Kind of gives you that warm fuzzy comfy feeling inside, doesn't it?
All together now... 3... 2... 1... AWWWWWwwwwwww.
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
That's it. I've hit another low.
I'm suppose to fill out many applications after finding what they wanted only to throw two of the three out. Why? Because I don't see the point anymore of trying. I just don't anymore. Everything I wanted is just so far out of reach. It's just hopeless. And you know what? I'm just going to end up being good for nothing. I already am.
I'm already hating life. I'm just living from day to day on nothing but the food that they have here. The only thing that keeps me so-called happy are cartoons, movies, and TV shows. Great, I'm back to were I was.
I need help so bad that I'd kill for it.
I'm suppose to fill out many applications after finding what they wanted only to throw two of the three out. Why? Because I don't see the point anymore of trying. I just don't anymore. Everything I wanted is just so far out of reach. It's just hopeless. And you know what? I'm just going to end up being good for nothing. I already am.
I'm already hating life. I'm just living from day to day on nothing but the food that they have here. The only thing that keeps me so-called happy are cartoons, movies, and TV shows. Great, I'm back to were I was.
I need help so bad that I'd kill for it.
