I'm having that pathetic feeling again. You know, the one where no matter how much you try to lift yourself up with a happy song or knowing that you are really good at something most people aren't, you still feel rather boring? I think it has something to do with my reflection on my 20s. Here I am, halfway through with them, and nothing remotely normal has happened to me as far as living life. Sex, parties, moving out. None of that.
Why? Because I'm afraid to live. There, I said it. Living life scares me. The only thing I'm more afraid of is death, mostly because of the vain hope I cling to that my life will get better. I don't know what it is, but my biggest hang up is that I am afraid live life. I'm afraid to go out and be me. I don't know if it just because of what happened to me in the past with all the crap that clearly affected my social behavior or what.
All I know is this: There is a burning want to live again, to feel alive, to have that feeling of excitement run through my body. There's an obsession with wanting to experience the joys of the flesh and the times where things actually end up going how you hoped. But I'm too afraid to do any of that.
What am I afraid of? Getting hurt. Emotionally.
1 comment:
I heard Studio 360 on the radio this morning and thought you would like the Japan program:
http://www.studio360.org/episodes/2009/02/06
Living shadow lives
flesh knows no satisfaction
spirit knows no hope.
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