If there three things in the world that have any kind of effect on my personality, it is these three things.
Affection and Attraction can be seen as the same thing, and to a point, the pair is a force to be dealt with in a fashion that would rival most superhero-villain fights. For me, when the two are given to me and I'm aware of it, I turn into a nymph of sorts. I turn that way with the slightest hint of affection, which is a very easy way to take advantage of me. However, if both happen at the same time, I'm easier than a $1 whore on half-off day and probably ten-times sexually charged.
Individually, Affection turns me into a puppy dog. Show me love or even a slight hint that you'll be nice to me and I'll follow you home if I can get away with it. Affection directly affects my loyalty to someone. I can't seem to turn my back on someone or abandon them in their time of need. They were nice to me, so I try to be nice back as best as I can.
Attraction, on the other hand, rarely has happened to me. In fact, it has only happened once. Admitting being attracted to me as sincere as possible causes me to lower my guard, almost to the point of danger. The good thing is that if I'm on the receiving end, I end up taking some risks I wouldn't otherwise. Unfortunately, Attraction is a double-edge sword. One I've experienced too many times, only holding it the wrong way. These days, I don't act on my attractions unless there is the slightest hint of affection received.
However, the strongest of them all is Guilt. If someone makes me feel guilty, I will apologize so many times to the point of annoyance. If I make myself feel guilty about something, not only will I apologize to the point of annoyance but sincerely wear my heart on my sleeve until I know that all is right in the world. And if I can't make it right by apologizing, I become puddy in the palms of the person's hands.
You see the common thread, don't you?
Co-dependency is a bitch, and I seriously need to kill her.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Bootleg Blues
The overflow from my late discovery last night, naturally, is affecting my emotions this morning. While I am happy that I got the music I wanted, the fact that I bought something illegal isn't sitting well with me. In fact, it's cancelling out and over-shadowing said happy feeling. I'll be happier when I buy the other parts of the collection that are legal copies.
This overflow has also caused me to send another e-mail off to Amazon.com less than 12 hours after the last one reporting the bootlegger. Among other actions.
One of them is actually retelling the story to my mom, who just laughed at me. She's always been suspicious about third-party sellers online, and would rather want to buy something direct from the source or from a reputable seller. She pretty much told me so, and I threw the "Buyer Beware" logic out the window mostly out of the greed of wanting something to compensate for my lack of sexual activity.
So here I am, bitterly depressed with a mind set on trying to get the e-mail responses I want while experimenting with an audio theory I've been throwing back and forth in my head as to how to save three tracks on the bootleg that were corrupt as hell. My first reaction was to e-mail a person I knew had those MP3s at one point and see if she could send them to me again. Chances are slim she will do that. At this point, I might as well settle for not having the tracks. They are just little bonus tracks anyway.
God, I really need something to make me feel better before I end up blowing my next paycheck on more than just the CDs I should have bought instead of this bootleg.
This overflow has also caused me to send another e-mail off to Amazon.com less than 12 hours after the last one reporting the bootlegger. Among other actions.
One of them is actually retelling the story to my mom, who just laughed at me. She's always been suspicious about third-party sellers online, and would rather want to buy something direct from the source or from a reputable seller. She pretty much told me so, and I threw the "Buyer Beware" logic out the window mostly out of the greed of wanting something to compensate for my lack of sexual activity.
So here I am, bitterly depressed with a mind set on trying to get the e-mail responses I want while experimenting with an audio theory I've been throwing back and forth in my head as to how to save three tracks on the bootleg that were corrupt as hell. My first reaction was to e-mail a person I knew had those MP3s at one point and see if she could send them to me again. Chances are slim she will do that. At this point, I might as well settle for not having the tracks. They are just little bonus tracks anyway.
God, I really need something to make me feel better before I end up blowing my next paycheck on more than just the CDs I should have bought instead of this bootleg.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Bought a Bootleg Box
Karma has a strange way of coming around when you least expect it.
It's no secret that I used to be a cyber pirate. Porn, MP3s from CDs that only had one good song. Hell, I even "stole" some albums because I couldn't find a way to actually purchase them, mostly because I didn't trust eBay or Amazon at the time.
Well, those days are behind me. I don't resort to that kind of thing unless there is no other way to acquire what it is that I want. Thankfully, those acts of piracy are few and far between.
I mention this for one reason that you probably figure out by now. I have become a victim of piracy.
I have a valid reason now not to buy anything from the user marketplaces of sites that I trust like Amazon. I no longer believe that 98% approval rating on the seller's profile given the items they are offering. And I learned this all too late.
While I am not denied the actual product I paid money for, it hurts me knowing that my cash is going towards someone who did the one thing I would never do even given all my acts of piracy: actually sell a pirate good as if it was the real deal.
I will say this much about the illegal copy I bought. For something that is a fake, they did a very good job of making it look like a real product. They even embossed the cardboard sleeve like someone would do for a special release and produced a bound booklet of the original from photo copies. Whoever produced this did a damn good job of making it look real.
Unfortunately for the users out there thinking about selling their stuff, I'm not going to be a buyer. This is my third "third party" purchase I did through Amazon, and it will be my last as long as I can help it.
It's no secret that I used to be a cyber pirate. Porn, MP3s from CDs that only had one good song. Hell, I even "stole" some albums because I couldn't find a way to actually purchase them, mostly because I didn't trust eBay or Amazon at the time.
Well, those days are behind me. I don't resort to that kind of thing unless there is no other way to acquire what it is that I want. Thankfully, those acts of piracy are few and far between.
I mention this for one reason that you probably figure out by now. I have become a victim of piracy.
I have a valid reason now not to buy anything from the user marketplaces of sites that I trust like Amazon. I no longer believe that 98% approval rating on the seller's profile given the items they are offering. And I learned this all too late.
While I am not denied the actual product I paid money for, it hurts me knowing that my cash is going towards someone who did the one thing I would never do even given all my acts of piracy: actually sell a pirate good as if it was the real deal.
I will say this much about the illegal copy I bought. For something that is a fake, they did a very good job of making it look like a real product. They even embossed the cardboard sleeve like someone would do for a special release and produced a bound booklet of the original from photo copies. Whoever produced this did a damn good job of making it look real.
Unfortunately for the users out there thinking about selling their stuff, I'm not going to be a buyer. This is my third "third party" purchase I did through Amazon, and it will be my last as long as I can help it.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Repression Compensation is Regression
Recently, my sexual repression (or depression, depending on how you look at it) has turned towards compensation in the form of material goods. What kind? Well, for those of you who think it was porn, you are sadly mistaken. No, my shopper's eye has been looking at thing on Amazon.com that I've been meaning to buy for myself, never got around to, and missed out in some cases forcing me to buy it from yet another user looking to make a quick buck.
It's actually become rather disturbing. Looking at my list of things to want on just Amazon alone, the items I would really like to have total up to $400+. That is not including the other items I found while looking casually at that little tab of things I may like since I have an interest in yet another item.
The money isn't the problem. I've learned how to live on a budget.
What is the problem is the fact that I'm now turning towards these things for some kind of stability in my life. The more things I buy of that nature, the more I cut myself off from the world socially. The more that happens, the less likely I will be able to function any better than your stereotypical Star Trek nerd that insultingly lives at home in some room separated from the rest of the family. The very butt of every joke that society finds funny like the new kid in school who has to have Coke-can thick glasses because there is no way around it.
The sad thing is, I'll probably give into my urges and buy the bulk of the purchase before the end of the month. And then from there, only buy entertainment when I feel the need. Or, rather, the want. Provided I can afford it and think I can't live without it.
It's actually become rather disturbing. Looking at my list of things to want on just Amazon alone, the items I would really like to have total up to $400+. That is not including the other items I found while looking casually at that little tab of things I may like since I have an interest in yet another item.
The money isn't the problem. I've learned how to live on a budget.
What is the problem is the fact that I'm now turning towards these things for some kind of stability in my life. The more things I buy of that nature, the more I cut myself off from the world socially. The more that happens, the less likely I will be able to function any better than your stereotypical Star Trek nerd that insultingly lives at home in some room separated from the rest of the family. The very butt of every joke that society finds funny like the new kid in school who has to have Coke-can thick glasses because there is no way around it.
The sad thing is, I'll probably give into my urges and buy the bulk of the purchase before the end of the month. And then from there, only buy entertainment when I feel the need. Or, rather, the want. Provided I can afford it and think I can't live without it.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Social Faux Pas Soda
There's a reason for everything, and though we may not figure it out right away, we eventually find out why some things happen the way they do.
Case and point: I found on my schedule that I was switched out from Box Office to Lower Concession. Reason being? Could be several things. I keep being mysteriously over on my drawer when counted down, meaning I somehow am not giving back enough change to my customers. I have also generated a lot of complaints because of social faux pas of one nature or another. Then again, it could be something else entirely that I haven't thought of.
Either way, I was reminded why I am now placed in a position where I can do the least amount of social damage when I once again made a social faux pas towards a female guest debating on if she wanted a kids meal or not. I'll spare you the agonizing mistake, as I still have yet to live it down even after watching Ratatouille after my shift.
Coincidentally, I was reminded of the consequences that have happened once before to me. How? Well, I somehow found myself on the other side of the fence in trusting someone too soon only to find out that they cannot be trusted due to having a "big mouth." Popular theory is the usual need to be the center of attention. In retrospect, as harsh as I was to the guy, he really didn't deserve it from me in the magnitude I gave it to him. I made just as big of a mistake as he did. Hell, I made that mistake more times than I care to remember.
I don't think when I speak or type. I haven't after I resolved that whatever I do won't help me get anywhere in life. That I should continue doing what I have to do instead of what I want to do. After all, whenever I try to do what I want, I can never do it for whatever reasons those may be. As such, I see that the world is fair game. If someone ends up hating me or taking advantage of me for something I do or say, why bother trying to fix it?
Most people just get more suspicious, more defensive, create more distance between themselves and other people. Me? I just stop caring.
The only thing that gives me hope now is this: I learned pretty early on in Seminar 1 that the people who tend to have the most trouble communicating verbally produce the most engaging visual pieces. Those that can articulate to the point where anyone can understand them clear as the rain hitting the roof of a tin building tend to produce very complex and often misunderstood visual pieces. I may not be articulate with my words, written and orally, and I know I'm lacking in visual engagement in my work.
But maybe I can find a balance that works. Something that can say what is on my mind and what I really mean without being misunderstood.
Case and point: I found on my schedule that I was switched out from Box Office to Lower Concession. Reason being? Could be several things. I keep being mysteriously over on my drawer when counted down, meaning I somehow am not giving back enough change to my customers. I have also generated a lot of complaints because of social faux pas of one nature or another. Then again, it could be something else entirely that I haven't thought of.
Either way, I was reminded why I am now placed in a position where I can do the least amount of social damage when I once again made a social faux pas towards a female guest debating on if she wanted a kids meal or not. I'll spare you the agonizing mistake, as I still have yet to live it down even after watching Ratatouille after my shift.
Coincidentally, I was reminded of the consequences that have happened once before to me. How? Well, I somehow found myself on the other side of the fence in trusting someone too soon only to find out that they cannot be trusted due to having a "big mouth." Popular theory is the usual need to be the center of attention. In retrospect, as harsh as I was to the guy, he really didn't deserve it from me in the magnitude I gave it to him. I made just as big of a mistake as he did. Hell, I made that mistake more times than I care to remember.
I don't think when I speak or type. I haven't after I resolved that whatever I do won't help me get anywhere in life. That I should continue doing what I have to do instead of what I want to do. After all, whenever I try to do what I want, I can never do it for whatever reasons those may be. As such, I see that the world is fair game. If someone ends up hating me or taking advantage of me for something I do or say, why bother trying to fix it?
Most people just get more suspicious, more defensive, create more distance between themselves and other people. Me? I just stop caring.
The only thing that gives me hope now is this: I learned pretty early on in Seminar 1 that the people who tend to have the most trouble communicating verbally produce the most engaging visual pieces. Those that can articulate to the point where anyone can understand them clear as the rain hitting the roof of a tin building tend to produce very complex and often misunderstood visual pieces. I may not be articulate with my words, written and orally, and I know I'm lacking in visual engagement in my work.
But maybe I can find a balance that works. Something that can say what is on my mind and what I really mean without being misunderstood.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Official Nerd Moment
I've had nerd moments before, but nothing like this.
Upon my return from Europe, I went on a mindless impulse shopping spree on Amazon.com buying the things I remember wanting the most but never having enough cash to get them. In other words, I basically blew off my next two paychecks before the month of June was up.
In any event, the first of two packages came in the mail recently containing the long-desired Cowboy Bebop DVDs. Things were really good, as I was pleasantly surprised with the speed of the delivery, the product being one loaded with extras, and even remixed to support Dolby 5.1 Digital Surround! Things couldn't have been better for me at this point.
Then that bitch known as Murphy's Law kicks in. As I was about to watch my favorite episodes out of the entire series (which just so happen to be one right after the other), I come to the sudden revelation that one of my DVDs is defected. This isn't because of the fact that I bought the set from a third-party user, as the product was as advertised (new and still in their factory seal). And I seriously doubt those annoying security stickers found at the top of DVD cases are sold to the general public, so there is no real way I could have been ripped off by the seller.
However, I still didn't know who to contact about the matter. Do I contact the seller since I did buy it from the person? Do I contact the company and run the risk of them saying "sorry, you lose because you didn't buy directly from us"? Or will I have to do the stupid thing and buy another DVD of the defected volume and then pawn the bad one off to GameStop down the street?
The real nerd moment didn't hit me until after I took my initial action to find out which course I should take. I found myself clinging on to the working DVDs as if they were a child. An odd feeling of guilt and sadness came over me knowing that the collection is not officially complete with that defected DVD looming over the bunch. The fact the defect affected my two favorite episodes also didn't help the matter any. And like any true stereotype of a nerd, I was fill with the useless and seemingly selfish desire to "complete the collection properly." It was like my OCD and my love for Cowboy Bebop made a love child that was in control for those five minutes.
I can't say I'm not proud of myself for acting that way, but I can say that this is the closest I've felt to actually acting like my true self in a long time.
Yeah, I'm a nerd that loves his cartoons.
Upon my return from Europe, I went on a mindless impulse shopping spree on Amazon.com buying the things I remember wanting the most but never having enough cash to get them. In other words, I basically blew off my next two paychecks before the month of June was up.
In any event, the first of two packages came in the mail recently containing the long-desired Cowboy Bebop DVDs. Things were really good, as I was pleasantly surprised with the speed of the delivery, the product being one loaded with extras, and even remixed to support Dolby 5.1 Digital Surround! Things couldn't have been better for me at this point.
Then that bitch known as Murphy's Law kicks in. As I was about to watch my favorite episodes out of the entire series (which just so happen to be one right after the other), I come to the sudden revelation that one of my DVDs is defected. This isn't because of the fact that I bought the set from a third-party user, as the product was as advertised (new and still in their factory seal). And I seriously doubt those annoying security stickers found at the top of DVD cases are sold to the general public, so there is no real way I could have been ripped off by the seller.
However, I still didn't know who to contact about the matter. Do I contact the seller since I did buy it from the person? Do I contact the company and run the risk of them saying "sorry, you lose because you didn't buy directly from us"? Or will I have to do the stupid thing and buy another DVD of the defected volume and then pawn the bad one off to GameStop down the street?
The real nerd moment didn't hit me until after I took my initial action to find out which course I should take. I found myself clinging on to the working DVDs as if they were a child. An odd feeling of guilt and sadness came over me knowing that the collection is not officially complete with that defected DVD looming over the bunch. The fact the defect affected my two favorite episodes also didn't help the matter any. And like any true stereotype of a nerd, I was fill with the useless and seemingly selfish desire to "complete the collection properly." It was like my OCD and my love for Cowboy Bebop made a love child that was in control for those five minutes.
I can't say I'm not proud of myself for acting that way, but I can say that this is the closest I've felt to actually acting like my true self in a long time.
Yeah, I'm a nerd that loves his cartoons.
