I woke up feeling strange again today.

I think the whole "I've had too many disappointments in my life to where I go into everything with the mind-set that I'm going to lose so that it doesn't really bother me" thing is making itself known again. It's as if I knew I was going to screw this up eventually.

I don't know. I'm the worst person to even think about things like this.

Today seems like a good day for a walk.

I just screwed myself over again. Yes, again.

The evening went pretty much like it always does. Talking about the day, saying this and that about so-and-so, chatting the night away without a care of the world.

Then something odd happened. Josh said that he needed to talk to me. Josh never has needed to talk to me before, so why now? I soon found out.

It seems that Josh wanted to know something. What, I don't know, but in any eveny he found out by the means in which he excels at. When we talked, he said several heartwarming things about family and how he sticks by them through right and wrong. He wanted to talk to me about that. I've been talking for the guys now for at least four years to the point where it's a nightly routine. Josh said (and I quote) "how would you like the oppertunity of a life time" on IMs. Reading it the way I did, I was thinking that he was typing still, so I waited. After about a few minutes, I typed back "what's the offer?" Bad move, Zeek. All I know from this point on is that Josh left saying something about proving his point. I got a verbal tounglashing about how this was suppose to be a no-brainer and that anyone would have said yes at a the drop of hat not waiting for that sentance to end. It was as if I didn't trust Josh, is what the IM boiled down to. I said that it wasn't like that. They didn't buy it. I got a reply back pointing out how Bill and Sam always cap-locks their IMs whenever they are excited. Apparently that was the hint that they didn't believe me. No enthusiasm. No feeling. No whatever that IMs can't give that a human experiance can.

I wish there was a better way of talking with these guys. I really with there was. Maybe then I wouldn't screw myself over so many times. Maybe then I could come off in a good way and make a good impression with Josh and everyone else.

Maybe I'm asking too much again.

If anyone is keeping score as to how many times I've screwed myself over, please let me know. My AIM screen name is XandorII.

I hate myself today.

For reasons unknown, I went and weighed myself on my aunt bathroom scale. I wasn't happy with the number I saw. I gained four pounds. I got so mad at myself, I blindly charged up DDR and tried my best to get something done. I know, it was stupid. I ended up paying for that stupidity. Good thing is that I knew how to deal with cramps of the DDR kind.

I feel fat now. I have only myself to blame. My diet and daily activities is like that of a Snorlax. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep. My days have been so boring here that I've ended up doing that!

Five-foot-five and one hundred and fifty-four pounds. Even though that is average by medical standards, I feel fat.

Oh my God! Oh my fucking God!!!

I just learned (late as usual) that the official Cowboy Bebop: The Movie site has gone up in preparation for the April 4 release date! Theathers that will be showing it are few and far between, but that's expected with anime in America. You can never find a goo theather that's showing it unless you live in a megalopalis or something of that sort.

Now if only I could view the trailer in a higher quality...

I want to sit down and blog something full of feeling right now, but I'm too far out of it to actually do it affectively.

Last night, I was talking to Bill. He started to make me think about things I never would have really thought about. He's good at doing that with just about everyone. He got me to see that Andrew may be the better for me as far as a boyfriend goes. It's strange. He even got James to see that. The whole time I was left stuned with the few exceptions where I would try to show some intelligance only to be shot down.

That night, I started thinking about Andrew and what Bill meant by what he said.

Could I really be destine to be with Andrew?

I had this dream where in my bathroom was this lever called "The Reset Switch." When you pull on it, everyone outside of the bathroom in the world would forget who they are, where they were going, where they live, who they were related to, and the likes. They still kept their general knowledge like what day it is and how to talk and what buildings lead to what, but other than that, they were compleately clueless in an amnisic state.

Note to self: Don't eat 3 boxes of Nerds candy before going to bed. Has weird side effects.

By the way, today is the one year mark of when I started bloging... if you care.

From Pokemon Community:

Dear ZeekSlider,

Thank you for registering for the Pokémon Community forums.

Yeah, that's right. I joined another forum. First MouseInfo.com for my Disney obession, and not this for my Pokemon obession.

Not that anyone cares, but there are two dates this month that you should take note of.

March 3rd marks the one year anniversery of when I started blogger.

March 31st is the my 20th birthday. My birthday wish? To spend it with Andrew and James and Dan and Bill and everyone else.

Another funny "Get Hard" ad. Sex sells, you know.