First off, as soon as you started reading this, you should know that I just got home after what should have been but wasn't the most liberating and exciting night of my life. And no, it didn't involve me getting laid finally after four years or so.
Through MySpace, I was alerted of a chance to show some work. It was a great opportunity and something that excited me since my debut show gave my ego a much needed stroking. At first, I was hesitant. After Flatline, I was all for it.
Needless to say, Jason was the one that got me to enter the show. He even offered to drive me there, with some after-show plans to hang out.
I like his company. There's something about him that makes me feel normal but at the same time very vulnerable. It's eerily comforting to me.
So how could I pass up that chance? Be in another show, get my ego stroked, afterwards go to a bar and just stare at all the hot men. What could go wrong?
Apparently, a lot.
The first thing that happened was someone misplaced my piece for the Untitled show. It ended up in a pile of trash consisting of brown butcher paper that some of the exhibiting artists used to protect their work as it traveled. It was found after I said to someone that I noticed my piece is MIA. After finding it, three of the organizers came up to me and apologized for what happened. One even went so far as to offer a free buy into the next show (meaning I don't have to pay the registration fee when I apply to exhibit with them again). I'll have to take them up on that offer, provided they remember it. But, more than likely, either I or they will forget that offer between now and then.
After my piece was put up in the show, I noticed that I received more exposure than I did when I debuted in Flatline. Mostly thanks in part to the fact that the show brought in a different kind of art crowd. But as the show progressed and my people watching habit began to take over, I noticed Jason getting more and more bored with what was going on.
And so, we went to Taco Bell. We talked about art, anime, mythology, and signifier. You know, the intelligent artist crap that popular media loves to make fun of.
And then Jason took me to a gay bar. Mostly because I needed the exposure to a different social scene. And that's where things kind of went down the toilet for me.
I was observing and people watching a lot. I wasn't really engaging in conversation so much as I was taking in what was going on around me. Really hot bartenders with their shirts off serving drinks to men that looked like they were old enough to be my dad; that one person that thinks he can dance but in reality looks really trashy in the process; the drag queen playing pool while Britney Spears blares over the stereo. And the more I observed, the more out of place I felt. There I was in a beat up jean jacket, matching jeans with a few paint stains here, and a dingy grey shirt. I looked like I walked out of the 1980's, and was surrounded with people that were more fashionable than me, more intelligent than me, and more attractive than me in their own ways.
As we left, I slowly got depressed. It was the oddest experience. Here I was pretty much going to have the night where I could probably be more like myself than I ever was before in any social situation, but I couldn't do it. I was forced into a social scene I've never been in, and all I did was observe. I could have interacted, but didn't.
A sporadic conversation with Jason led to my inability to drive and how I needed to get a permit five years ago. Greater independence, a better educational experience, and a more enjoyable social life were the rewards. But no determination was felt. No drive. Just the feeling of being more pathetic than when I stalled Jason's car in the middle of an intersection in the office complex, which I never thought was possible.
How can I night I was looking forward end up being so depressing? Most people would say because I let it. I'm sure you would.
1 comment:
Hey wait a minute "Debbie Downer!" Things weren't nearly so bad as you've made them out to be!!!
Your Untitled piece wasn't in the trash - it was in a pile of packaging that the artwork came in. Since it wasn't framed, it slipped past the set-up committee, who assumed that your packaging had already been unpackaged. This sort of oversight falls into the nature of group shows, trust me. Fortunately we got there before the show started and had it on the wall in time for the opening, so it was all good.
Now you seem to forget that people watching at Untitled and at Tribe is part of the fun of being there. But you did a lot more than people watch. We talked with several interesting people, and when you go to future Untitled shows, you will inevitably run into some of them again. Vonne, for instance, goes to every art show in Nashville. Sam - the attractive red-headed young lady in charge of the show - she attends many shows around town, as does Ben Vitualla and that lady from Amsterdam. You've set yourself up for more interesting conversations at the next art show, and the one after that!
And at Tribe you met several friends of mine, specifically Sean - the hot bartender, Scott - the girlscout costume from Halloween, Eric Dirkholtz - the 3D photographer, Brian Barry - my best friend from high school, Ricky - only goes to see movies at the Green Hills theatre, David Day - cute guy who does web design and home rennovation... And there were others. I know it wasn't the most exciting night of your life. But perhaps you'll run into some of these people again next time you go to Tribe, or to a party, or some other social function. They're all on MySpace, which is a great way to send someone a note "Hey, it was nice to meet you the other night!"
The trashy dancing, the pool-playing drag queen, the hot shirtless bartenders - how fun and exciting is that? Instead of letting these things make you feel out of place, just enjoy them for what they are. Next time, if it makes you feel less out of place, we'll play pool with that drag queen, or tell Loy, Heath, and Stevn how great they look with their shirts off!
If you're self-conscious about your sense of fashion, you have three options: try harder, stop worrying about it, or a healthy balance between trying harder and not worrying about it. Fashion isn't constant - it changes all the time, and as an individual you get to figure out how to best represent yourself. Don't stress about guys that are "more fashionable." As for "more intelligent," I hardly think we talked to anyone long enough to measure anyone's intellect, even our own. And "more attractive" is just like the fashion issue - it's all a matter of confidence.
Observation is half the fun of going out, anywhere you go. It's the thrill of exploration, seeing new people and new places. Interacting is not always the point. But you did interact, and you did just fine!
Finally the conversation at the end of the night was not about how you needed to get a permit five years ago. It's how you need to get a permit as soon as you can. The point of our discussion wasn't whether or not you've developed yourself socially since high school, but rather how exciting it is that you're starting a new stage of social development now!
I know that both Untitled and the gay bar were probably a little overwhelming - there was a lot going on at each place, and it was a long night. And it's easy to get depressed when you're in flashy environments where people are trying to put their most attractive foot forward, wearing their most trendy outfits, sporting their latest hair-doos, and blowing their most recent accomplishments way out of proportion. It takes some practice learning how to relax and just be yourself in these strange environments. I'm STILL practicing, and sometimes it makes me a nervous wreck. But it gets easier to navigate these environments, and you'll get more comfortable with it, I promise. You just have to keep putting yourself out there.
We never even made it to Play - that'll have to be another time. Trust me, that's a whole different adventure!!
Keep nagging your parents to help you get your driver's permit so we can start the Sunday driving lessons again! Greater independence, a better educational experience, and a more enjoyable social life are indeed the rewards! If you don't feel determination, then fake it. Determination is something you have to make yourself feel. You can do it.
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