Something Odd and Unexpected

My sister told me to get on AIM so she could send me something, but I got something I didn't expect as a result of her request.

A short time after getting my sister's IM, another window came up. It was from Josh. My hands ran cold, and I got a knot in my stomach that made the gases inside me feel like poisonous substances. I couldn't feel anything below my hip and found my eyes to be straining as I read the screen name. In short, I was nervous and scared for my life.

This has been the first time in two or three long years that I've talked to them. At that moment, I couldn't help but feel very apprehensive.

The conversation started out innocent enough, but slowly the doubt and my feelings for them came to the foreground. I told them flat out my concerns that I posted here recently. Eventually, I had to stop myself, apologizing at least three times, having lost myself to the doubt. Josh said that he doesn't think there is a way to change my mind, to make me believe they are for real. I know better. I know he is smarter than me and knows how to fix things. He just won't act on it for whatever reasons he may have.

With that out in the open, you would think that would be the end of it. I frustrated the hell out of Josh, and if all goes like it has been, that should have been that. Surprisingly, it wasn't.

I asked Josh one question to prevent me from losing it again: Was I missed? Apparently, I was missed by nearly everyone. In one fashion or another, I would come up in conversation. They wondered what the hell happened to me. They thought that since I've been gone for so long from AIM that the screen name was probably deleted. Same thing for the e-mail address I gave them. Ironically, they didn't check this place, or they would have known what the deal was with me for the last few years.

Even now while I time this, the idea that they actually missed me when I could have sworn the didn't give a damn about me just feels awkward. I like the fact that I made such an impression on them to the point where after this long they miss me, but I've never really been missed by anyone. At least anyone that I put emotion towards. It's a new sensation that my lonely mind is having a hard time grasping. The attention whore, however, loves it and is living it up right now.

The conversation then pretty much came to an end as abruptly as it started. As usual, Josh had business to tend to, but he made sure to tell me to IM one of the others if I see them online. Provided they don't IM me first when they see me. I wished him a Merry Christmas, and with that, he signed out.

In looking back at this, I really wish my emotions and doubt didn't manifest in the way they did. I can't help feel like I insulted him when all he wanted to do was just say hello and catch up. But, this is Josh I was talking to. For someone that used to be so animate about not liking me to say that he has no grudge against me seems out of character to me. Then again, it has been a long time since I talked to him, so who knows what changes may have happened. Maybe that Golden Heart Dan told me about is now being worn on Josh's sleeve.

Now that I think about it, I wish I went about the conversation another way. Confronting Josh like that was completely uncalled for and rude. Stupid emotions, why is it you have to get in the way all the time just because I'm an artist? Where is my common sense when I need it?