I'm (hopefully) recovering from what appeared to have been a stress-induced flu. Basically, the last month of deadlines and other things has caused my body to slowly come crumbling down like a building with bad maintenance. I made the mistake of going to school while under this, thinking all I needed was some down time and I would be fine. I ended up catching everything that everyone else had at the time forcing me to miss a class. The class that day was a major project due date, which meant by the syllabus, I missed two classes. And that's just the stress of the immediate moment.
This whole last month has been one painful ride. Life has diarrhea and is sitting on top of an industrial-size fan. I don't even know where to begin to complain let alone where to start with this update.
I've been feeling so dead inside that I've stopped caring about things. Trying to talk to me and get an intelligent conversation out of it is an impossibility. I'm so worn out, and it's only a month into the semester! I've been like that since the dog died. I don't know if I'm still mourning subconsciously or if it is something else. Everyone else got over it and are looking at new dogs to adopt. And yet, here I am, not wanting to even get out of bed in the morning. I literally have to force myself to do anything.
But what about the things I want to do? Well, as much as I like to do those things, I find myself doing other things instead. I would like to get back to my fireworks project and maybe even finally buy an iMac with Final Cut on it since I made back what I loss in spending for my Study Abroad trip. But instead, I find myself wanting to go to sleep or play mindless video games. Right now, I'm more excited about Spore finally having a release date than I am about the fact I only have one semester left of college if all goes according to plan!
The stuff that needs to get done, I'm half-assing my way through. I don't really care nor want to explain why I'm making images in Seminar that probably don't have anything to do with contemporary art theory so much as they have to do with the iconographic of cartoons. I'm making what is in essence a very simple steel shape in Sculpture 2 because any other complicated ideas or things that I would like to do end up getting shot down by the project goals. And I'm technically behind in Public Art class right now because of the day I had to spend in bed after catching everything that everyone else had.
To further complicate things, I find myself lusting over guys I know I don't have a chance with hooking up with even for a one-night stand. It's gotten to the point where I find myself trying to make sure that I don't get caught by someone other than myself. Yet the sad part about that is the fact that I know all I want is someone to just make me feel good at the end of the day. I can't do that for myself, and I'm starting to expect that the old saying is true. If I can't believe in myself, what are the chances that someone will be able to believe in me? None. And still, that sexual desire gnaws at me to the point where I'm viewing pornography daily and resorting to looking up even the raunchiest of straight porn on the internet just to slake my want to see really hot men naked and having sex. It's a mind-numbing perversion that resulted in a shopping list totaling nearly $1,000 worth of DVDs, toys, and lube.
That said, I have about $500+ worth of DVDs bookmarked on Amazon.com that I would like to have. Partly out of research, as they are all animation related, but mostly because they are long overdue purchases that I've been wanting to get. It's putting a real dent in my wallet right now, and I haven't even bought them yet!
I'm approaching the end of my rope. I have nobody to call, nobody who is willing to put up with me long enough to hang out with me, and no sign of relief anywhere! The desperate cry of release continues to be muffled because, let's face it, I have no real outlet for it where people can hear it. This is it, people. This is the only way I can get all that out, and even this isn't enough! I'm practically the definition for the Internet Emo!
And yet, I know that nobody gives a fuck. Why? Because I don't. I'm just so tired of life that I want it all to go away.
2 comments:
Iconography of cartoons is as relevant to contemporary art theory as anything else. The very foundation of what you're talking about was the inspiration behind Andy Warhol's soup cans and screenprints of celebrities. Most of us were raised on television shows like Scooby Doo, Bugs Bunny, the Chipmunks, G.I. Joe, etc. Images from these programs can easily be used as a language that has been intrinsically learned in our youth, and can still speak to us as adults. You do with it whatever the hell you want to, and make it art.
A $1,000 shopping list of sex toys and DVDs..? The thing about lust is that it never goes away. Even after you indulge in as much as your body can handle, it's only a matter of minutes - hours at the most - until you're wanting more. Why waste money on urges you can never satisfy? Go after the real thing - it's pretty much free, and much more fulfilling.
If you're that interested in porn, why not make your own? It's a lot cheaper and you have as much as you want at your disposal any time you like.
I wish you'd have made the effort to hang out with me when I still lived in town. My feelings are still a little hurt that you didn't take advantage of letting me teach you how to drive, even if just for the chance to be social for a couple hours each week. I kept twisting your arm to get a beer at Tribe (a beer doesn't mean you have to get drunk). Now you have to wait until I'm in town for a visit. Maybe February or March...? You'll be graduated by then.
Jon,
Losing a dog is a reason most people will easily understand for your lack of drive.
Now that I have read several of your blog entries, I believe that part of your problem may be that you think that you have to do too much. I used to write more little reviews and items and send them out of emails. Then one or two of the recipients told me that they actually printed them out and showed them to other people. I got to the point of not writing much anymore because I felt that I had to write better than I wanted to make the effort to write.
Jason is right about the porn. Make your own. I never watched much of it but I generally thought, I could make better movies than that.
Based upon my interactions with Jason -- mostly by email -- if you caused him to feel hurt, you drew him into a closer relationship than he generally permits. Jason does not want to be hurt.
Robert
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