Dead on the Inside

As much as I like the idea that humor can mask over anything, even something as dry as what I attempted to write, it cannot hide the fact that I'm feeling very much dead already on the inside.

I don't know how to describe it, but if my exposure to contemporary Japanese anime has any kind of content to relate to the feeling, it is this. The closest example I can use to describe how I feel are those lifeless shells the non-descript throw-away generic humans look like when some paranormal force sucks their life energy away. (See Sailor Moon) The only difference is that I'm very much conscious as to what is going on around me. My reactions, however, are minimal yet explosive. In other words, I don't have much of an emote range any more, but what I do emote is very violent in nature.

Case and point, I was commanded to help move a large piece of furniture from one area of the house to another that, in my opinion, didn't needed to be moved to begin with. A combination of past experiences merged into one huge miasma of frustration and aggression that can only be justified and stereotyped by my gender role in the Asian family model. The ancient one, that is, where if you are male you are automatically more capable of doing male roles such as heavy lifting and supporting your household. To not be able to do so is to bring dishonor to your family. Or so I've come to believe given my experiences with my personal family dynamic. Long story short, I got frustrated because I didn't want to help so much as I knew I would just get in the way. Push came to shove, and I shoved back hard to the point of being seen as disrespectful.

And people wonder why the moment I learn to drive--whenever that moment may be--I say that I'll never return home. I never once called home while I was abroad. Thought about it, mostly out of respect and because it is the proper thing to do, but that's about it. I never got home sick while I was living in Seattle for those three short months. I sometimes wonder how I can get home sick when I don't feel like I have a home to being with.

I don't know where I am in my current downward spiral, but I have a feeling I've past the point of no return.