Lone Wolf Artist

I had a mentally sedating day today. As such, several of my senses were either heighten or turned off entirely. For example, my sense of balance shut off on me temporarily at one point. Interesting feeling when one second you are standing straight up and the next thing you know, the room is moving to the left suddenly.

One thing I really wish did turn off was my emotion. Over the course of the evening, I slowly became a bit crazy, babbling sometimes while other times talking without knowing if anyone was listening. My sense of observation was not focused on the task at hand, but rather at the social setting.

Once again, I found myself depressing myself internally.

The social scene of the artist is that which involves several things. The first of which is beer or some kind of alcohol. The second involves being well connected with people, be it other artists or just drinking buddies. The third is actually putting yourself out there, which can be only done with the help of the above and maybe enhanced by the item above that. This is all a one-sided observation, naturally.

In any event, I don't seem to fit any of the actual social requirements--whatever those may be--to be an artist. It's strange. I never expected being an artist would require such a social network or any kind of social skills short of trying to sell yourself in the ways that most commercial business types try to sell the next great product. Once again, my foolish naive nature comes forward.

The Fine Arts is a business. One that requires little actual business knowledge but the same kind of social interaction between like-minded people. You are not so much selling a visual work more so than you are getting people to notice it and remember it if at all possible. The better you are at this, the more successful you become as an artist. The more successful you are as an artist, the more likely you will have some kind of social impact on the people that see your work. This can be helped with media attention, which is why I believe the more offensive the art work the better. People tend to remember offenses more often than the good and pretty things.

I don't think it's possible to survive in the art world without being somewhat connected. Things like MySpace help, especially with the "underground" or local art scene, but the most important thing about being an artist is not just making the art work but making face time as well. I, much to everyone's disappointment, still can't do that. The homebody part of my persona has become more of a hermit and a recluse. And what kind of artist doesn't attend their own gallery opening? Actors can get away with not attending the premiere of their film (or if you are like Al Gore, you'll make face and then just sneak out after 10 minutes into the film). Musicians can't be everywhere when their singles are aired for the first time. So, in that sense, exhibiting artists are required to make face as the location of their work is centralized. After all, how many galleries in a single area (not building, but area) would open up showing the same artist at the same time but with different pieces?

The doubt is mounting again. I feel like I don't belong again, only this time I've justified it on more than just the "I'm not a good artist" part.

A Little Update

The gaming binges that were taking over my life have tapered off (or back) into taking naps at all hours of the day. I'm also noticing a strong disconnect from pretty much everything. It's affecting my work. For example, I forgot to bring home my clay tools for my homework assignment of carving out a muscle torso for Figure Study 2.

The blunt honesty is also starting to come out in casual conversation. The stock and polite answer of "I'm good" to "How are you?" has been replaced with "I've been better" or even "Terrible." What does this mean? The polite mask has been coming off in a vain attempt of trying to connect with someone on an uncomfortable emotional level just to feel like I have some kind of justification for making it through the day.

Other than that, nothing really to write about. I'm just glad the gaming binges are tapering off now. Sixteen hours straight of nothing but Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 were starting to get bad, as images of the game started infiltrating my dreams.

Wanted: A VACATION FROM LIFE

It's getting worse.

Labor Day weekend, when I should have been doing my drawing assignment and reading up on my Latin American art history, all I ever did was play Roller Coaster Tycoon on yet another gaming binge. Four days of nearly 16 hours of nothing but trying to figure out how to theme a virtual park so pre-programmed people can enjoy themselves.

I'm obviously stressed about something and need the time off from life. I can't take a semester off either. I dropped the idea by my folks--they are paying for the bulk of my tuition, after all--but they took my need for a semester away from school as a want to just play games all day long. They didn't see it as a need for a vacation or some of kind time off so I can get back into not being so high strung all the time.

Just another reminder to everyone and myself that I need more than just time off. I need a change of environment.