A Horrible Discovery

I just made a horrible discovery about myself during my most recent introspective drawing session.

I can't be happy for people when I'm in a bad situation. I can be nice and say the usual "that's great" and "congradulations, dude." But two seconds later, I'm back to moping around wondering why I can't have any good things like that happen to me. Why can my hard work pay off? All the search and researching; filling out applications and nights improving my skills. Trying my best to be as...

...

Oh, who am I trying to fool? I'm not trying. I'm putting minimal effort into doing what needs to be done because what I want to do is still a mystery to me. I thought it was art, but after getting a degree in it, I found out that isn't the feild I want to go into. I thought I could use those skills to do something in the video game industry, but everywhere I look, the schools that offer classes on the art side of that industry are so expensive, I'm better off avoiding them for now. So all I do is doodle in my sketchbook, and it's clear that my skills are lacking these days. Severely lacking, as it is.

Part of me feels dead already, while the other and more hopeful part of me is trying to hang on to life. Or at least I would like to think that. In reality, my escapism practices are starting to fail. I'm no longer playing any of my video games so much as I am complaining about all their flaws that caused me to stop playing them in the first place. The ones that work I haven't touched in years. The Pokemon game that I started a month back has grown stagnent due to the lack of any kind of social interaction as the game was designed for. Yes, I called Pokemon a social game, because that's what it is. Half of the mechanics is interacting with other players, and if that's not a social game, then excuse me.

I even tried watching a movie this afternoon and couldn't enjoy it. And it was a movie I know I like. Porn isn't helping either, as everything that is suppose to be stimulating is now just so boring. Music helps kill the silence, but it no longer sooths and entertains me. In fact, I find myself skipping through several tracks, including the ones I like, or stop playing it altogether.

I can't escape from reality anymore. I can't pacify this overwhelming sadness. I'm stuck in a pity party of one that nobody wants to be a part of and that nobody will help me escape from.

And the horrible thing about this? I'm too tired and beat up from life to do it myself. I just want everything to be over.

I don't want happiness; I know that's out of reach now. I just want stability.