It hasn't even been a week, and I'm still in limbo as to what to do now.
Wait, let me back up. I forget that I don't update this blog often anymore. I only go here when my emotions peak.
I withdrew from SCAD on Monday. As I explained to my shocked and disappointed family, the math came out to $3,700 per month as far as tuition goes. Yes, we had financial aid help, but it wasn't enough. We even maxed out our avenues with that. But that cost is something I did not want to put my family through. That tution price alone would bankrupt me after one month. And the money my family has stowed away would disappear before Christmas. In other words, I would be the cause of my family becoming broke by the new year, and I didn't want that to happen.
Since then, my family has grown ugly. I've overheard my mom and dad talking about how they believe I'll never get into a college, be it SCAD or a similar school, because of what I did. My mother, at one point in our talk about this choice, adimately stated what she hated about me. She killed what little of my self-confidence I had left at the time. And the family in general is now pretty much convinced that I'll be a do-nothing and a lazy ass.
Now that we are caught up, I'm sitting here, jobless and still looking for a job, wondering what the hell to do with my life. I've become very introspective, trying to figure out what the hell makes me happy. What I want to actually pursue and what kind of career I want.
However, I just feel dead. It's starting to show in every aspect of what I do. I can't talk to anyone without sounding like Eeyore. Only darker and more depressing. I'm half-assing job applications and questioning certain aspects of the applications. I don't get any enjoyement listening to my favorite podcasts, playing video games, or watching porn.
I. Feel. Dead.
And I don't know what to do next. SCAD was my plan, my only plan. I didn't have a back-up or an alternative. So what do I do now?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
SCAD: A Nine Week Dream
When I got my acceptance letter several months back saying that I got in to SCAD, I started the frustrating task of looking for financial aid. FASFA came back saying that I'm ineligable due to the fact that I have a degree already. The program is designed for people without one. All of the scholarships I looked up to help offset the cost I quickly found out that I've missed the deadlines for. The ones I did not miss were only looking for currently enrolled students and not incoming/new students.
Also since then, I've been trying to find a new job, having been fired from my last one due to a personality conflict in which I was the guilty party. Needless to say, it's not going very well given the current economic state.
I did some math today, and discovered that the sum total of tuition is actually higher than I originally projected. Even with the limited financial aid I've already recieved, I need to cover close to $11,000 per term. That's roughly about $1,000 every week for nine weeks per term.
Family isn't going to cover it, and the longer I go without a job, the less money I actually have. I can't apply for Unemployement Benefits due to the nature of how I was fired. Then there are the outstanding student loans that I still have to pay for. That's why I decided to go back to school. Stop the loans, get a better job through more specialized education. A better and higher-paying one, at that. Now, it seems that I won't even get the chance to learn a new skill, since my first term at SCAD will be designed to knock out the remaining Gen. Eds. that didn't transfer over from the previous degree. Essentially, what I'll be ultimately paying for is a very expensive nine-week experiance as a normal college student, complete with a dorm room and roommate who may or may not get on my nerves.
The only other skill I have is the art skills and knowledge I gained from my first degree. Unfortunately, I haven't done any kind of drawing or art in general since this whole "Get into SCAD" venture began.
On top of this, I've become a victem of my own thesis, projecting my personality into a digital avatar while I go around playing Pokemon Crystal for the first time in my life. Why Pokemon? Because the concept of the game gives me a sense of control over my life. I can choose which creature to train and which to not. I can decided where to go and what to do with very little consiquence to the overall nature of the game play scenario. I can ignore problems and obsticles simply by finding other ways around them. I have a sense of control in video games that I don't get with my current real life situation. Yes, I have become my thesis. I have become an escapist, and I'm aware of this. And I can't stop myself because life sucks right now, and every place I turn to make it better rejects me.
Unless something happens, something big, I'm pretty much stuck in a ditch that I dug myself and can't get out of.
Also since then, I've been trying to find a new job, having been fired from my last one due to a personality conflict in which I was the guilty party. Needless to say, it's not going very well given the current economic state.
I did some math today, and discovered that the sum total of tuition is actually higher than I originally projected. Even with the limited financial aid I've already recieved, I need to cover close to $11,000 per term. That's roughly about $1,000 every week for nine weeks per term.
Family isn't going to cover it, and the longer I go without a job, the less money I actually have. I can't apply for Unemployement Benefits due to the nature of how I was fired. Then there are the outstanding student loans that I still have to pay for. That's why I decided to go back to school. Stop the loans, get a better job through more specialized education. A better and higher-paying one, at that. Now, it seems that I won't even get the chance to learn a new skill, since my first term at SCAD will be designed to knock out the remaining Gen. Eds. that didn't transfer over from the previous degree. Essentially, what I'll be ultimately paying for is a very expensive nine-week experiance as a normal college student, complete with a dorm room and roommate who may or may not get on my nerves.
The only other skill I have is the art skills and knowledge I gained from my first degree. Unfortunately, I haven't done any kind of drawing or art in general since this whole "Get into SCAD" venture began.
On top of this, I've become a victem of my own thesis, projecting my personality into a digital avatar while I go around playing Pokemon Crystal for the first time in my life. Why Pokemon? Because the concept of the game gives me a sense of control over my life. I can choose which creature to train and which to not. I can decided where to go and what to do with very little consiquence to the overall nature of the game play scenario. I can ignore problems and obsticles simply by finding other ways around them. I have a sense of control in video games that I don't get with my current real life situation. Yes, I have become my thesis. I have become an escapist, and I'm aware of this. And I can't stop myself because life sucks right now, and every place I turn to make it better rejects me.
Unless something happens, something big, I'm pretty much stuck in a ditch that I dug myself and can't get out of.
