And so, once again, I fucked up by saying something so stupid people couldn't believe it.

I was placed with a scenario just awhile ago.

My parents and I were going to sit down with Andrew, Aaron, and Jack at a dinner with Dan. They were going to defend me and my choice in life. I was asked if the conversation got to the point of debating each others opposing views (my parents vs. my own) if I would say anything. My answer was "probibly not." I was then asked if I would actually accept it if they all just walked away and labeled me as a lost cause. Of course I would have to. I would have to accept it.

Bad move.

This burned Dan the wrong way. He didn't like that idea that there were four people defending me and I wouldn't even say a word. On top of that, if things got to the point where they thought I was a lost cause, the fact that I would just accept it without fighting for what I want and go with my parents out of respect for them was like icing on the cake! They felt they didn't even need to talk to me anymore! Why bother when I've already answered everything they ever wanted to know what will happen?

Feeling defeated at this point, it would be easy for me to point out this and that and all my other mistakes that I made like I just did. I've done it before. I've even tried to "back-pedel" my way into saving face with whomever would be even reading this! I can't. The sad fact of the matter is that I simply can't. I screwed up yet again, and this time, I might as well just stop trying to fix something that is too far gone to fix. Nothing can save me now. Not even Jack who said that he'd protect me right or wrong. Nothing.

What bothers me is the fact that everything asked was all just hypothetical in nature. I wasn't thinking in realistic terms. I rarely do if ever. I'm a dreamer through and through. From balls to bone, if you will. I took everything as "what if"'s without even the slightest thought that they were feeling me out to see if this was worth their time or not. I answered truthfully because I had nothing else to go by. I wasn't told what people may say; I wasn't even projected a possible conversation in which I would have the oppurtunity to stand up for myself. All I was told was if the conversation got to the point of debating what I wanted to do with my parents saying no and everyone else saying he's old enough to do whatever he feels like doing. In my mind, my parents didn't have a leg to stand on. Apparently, neither do I know.

I'm just a big fool. I've been fooling myself this entire time. I'm so mad at myself right now, I could do something so stupidly rediculous it isn't even worth thinking about doing let alone blogging about it.

"Write and e-mail to someone." Dan might as well have added the words who cares to the end of that sentance. That's how it sounded like to me. The question is, who really does care? I don't anyone really gives a damn about my situation. If anything, they probibly think that it's just as pathetic as everyone else sees it. A boy twenty years of age and he can't stant up to his parents because he respects them too much to the point of putting himself and all he wants second to them. Probibly the greatest burden anyone could have put on anyone. And I had to put it on myself. If I get rewarded for being as pathetic as I am right now, I don't want it. Being this way, being this respectfull isn't worth any kind of reward of any kind be it something like cash or something grander like that. I don't care what anyone else says; it's stupid to think that being this way is worth any kind of reward.

I'm sorry, Jack. I really messed things up again for you. I disappointed you yet again. As a by-product, I pissed off your brothers and everyone else in between. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry I wasted your time, Jack. I really am. I was a fool to think that this could go somewhere when I guess it really can't. I'm sorry I won't be able to take you to Walt Disney World like I promised, like I've been promising. I'm sorry I won't be able to give you something that no one else can. But most of all, I'm sorry I'm just sorry. I love you tons, Jack. You're my little brother. I'll never forget you or the good times we had online. I'll think about you every day and night and will always wonder about you.

Listen to me. It's like I'm delivering a funeral speach. Jack's not dead, though. If anyone is dead, it's me.

I think I actually lost an inch off my waist size!

I had a chance to do some DDR today at the mall while my sister went to buy monkey P. J.'s (don't ask) and my mom bought make-up (which is odd in itself, if you ask me). I noticed something odd about my preformance. Not only was the quarters and my wallet weighing me down, but my pants were lower than usual by about a good inch or so. The elastic band of my boxers would be exposed if I lifed my shirt any. It kind of messed me up when I had to do some jumps on some of the songs. I think this means I'm actually getting thinner even if it is slowly.

Another good thing that came out of today is that I made $1.50 in profit! It came from the game money I was given by my mother. I think she is trying to be nice to me as a way to keep me around, but that would be reading too much into it. In any event, I had fun for the first time in a long time.

All's well that ends well, I guess.

Boredom strikes while I'm playing KaZaA node and listening to Atomic Kitten's "Right Now" on DDRFreak Radio.

I've been thinking about a few people today. In particular, Jack and James.

I learned last night that James wants me to be very close to him but not his boyfriend since he's obviously taken now. I'm cool with it. Still, though, you can't help but wonder. One person knows what he's up to, but I doubt I'll end up hearing what that is all about any time soon. For now, I think I'll just play dumb and take James on his word. You know, try not to read into it too much to the point where it's like disecting a live frog that hasn't been paralyzed and nailed down.

Jack, on the other hand, I've been thinking about because of how I want to take him to Disney World. I know, I made that promise to him last year and couldn't deliver, but I'm really trying now. I want to take him there. I've been planning for days what we were going to do park by park and day by day as best I could do. Andrew said something to me last night, though, that put everything into perspective. All this planning and research that I've been doing is nothing really useless unless I get up there to where Jack is. THEN we can plan and research and fine tune and everything that needs to be done, and THEN we'll be able to actually go. Only when I get up there will I be able to give Jack what I owe him. Only then will I be able to give him something no one can.

There are alot of things I want to do. Too many in fact. I want to be able to do this and that and the other. I want to buy these things, experiance these things, see these place. I know I probibly won't be able to. I know that eventually I'll have to come back to reality and do my duty. I know that I'll have to college eventually, which is what I want to do. The thing is, I just want to enjoy life for now before I go back to that dull part of life like I've never been able to do before. Call me greedy, but I haven't really been able to enjoy what is out there the way I want to. I always had to settle for second best or some kind of alternative like a video game or waiting for a movie to come out on sale instead of seeing it in theaters. It's better than nothing, but still. I guess I'm just like Belle. She once said that she wants something more than what everyone else has planned. Who wouldn't want that? To have more than what we want. Well, I don't want more than what's been planned. I just want to be able to have more of what life has to offer instead of being happy with B-rated things. Not that I'm saying anything bad about them or anything. Like I said, it's better than nothing. I should feel appreciative that I have what I have going for me. I am. I just want something more. Something that life has yet to give me. I don't know what that is. I probibly will live my whole life and not get it or know what it is. The one thing I know is that when I get it, I'll be able to die happy and proud. I would be able to point to it or tell people about it and actually feel like I have some worth. That would be something that would make my life heaven. For now, I enjoy what I can even though I want more than what I have or have enjoyed. It's better than nothing.

Whoa. That sounded so hypocritacal it was pathetic.

It's funny how much aware I am of my words this session. Normally, I just blog once and forget about it. I hate to say this, but I was about ready to delete that last paragraph untill I remembered that I haven't deleted anything from my blog short of a misspelling. I'd like to keep it that way even if it makes me into a horrible person or not. Pure and unedited. That's how life is. That's how this blog is going to be. Like it or leave it.

I just learned today via that group I'm a member of in Yahoo! that Troy injured himself during weight training and seems to have retired for the time being while he heals and concentraits on school. My well wishes that he recovers.

I also learned from the news group that he's a really cool guy in person. Like I'll ever meet him.

Well, just like I thought, when I told mom in my own suttle way (I told her that she won't like my room now since she is cleaning it in preperation for a few house guests), she put two and two together and found out that I was packed and ready to leave. She went into "You got school!" mode. I just replied with a cold "So?"

I feel weird doing this. Almost like an out of body experiance. It's like I'm not myself right now. I look like I used to; I sound like I used to; I just don't feel like I used to. It's like something inside of me, something I never knew I had, took over. I don't know what that is.

I feel rather confused and scared right now. Scared of the unknown. Humans fear what they don't understand. To fear the unknown is natural. Still, I just need some kind of security blanket. Something or someone to tell me that it will be okay. That I'll be fine in the end. Some kind of reassurance.

I don't know, I'm being stupid again.

Have you ever felt so weak to the point where you crumble to the people in power even though you don't like what they are doing for whatever reasons those may be? I think we all have. It's called "being unable to vote." Okay, Daria-esc humor aside. I can't help but wonder about how much of a pussy I am. I don't know why, but it seems that even though I want to do my own thing my own way I can't. This should bother me, and it does, but only for a little while. Then I just take it as is. Dan said once that if I was given the oppurtunity to take charge, I would. No arguement there. The thing is, will I ever be able to? Oh, sure, maybe if I get to take a certain someone to a certain park in a certain city in a certain state somewhere that I know I've meantioned here one too many times. But will that be the only time? Will that be the one chance I'll get to be in charge? Who knows.

As ordered by Russ; Dan; Josh; and pretty much everyone else, I packed what things I couldn't live without for whatever reasons. Just little special momentos like my slightly dirty Tails plushie from back when Christmas was on a $10 budget and my sister went out of her way to get me it even though the price tag was like $15 and the little Mickey plushie I was going to spring on Jack when I first saw him. I'm not going to really pack any clothes short of my Italian leather jacket, my Senior year prep hat, and my Disney lanyard (if that can be counted as clothing). I know that I'll end up getting a better set of clothes than this whole white shirt and blue jeans get up I'm always wearing like a cartoon character. Other than that, I'm pretty much set to go. I have all my video games still packed in the iMac box. All I need is a pair of muscle boy movers to pick it and my trunk up and help me move it out.

Sometimes we have to do the things we don't like because it is those things that help us grow and become better people.

I keep making things worst when I don't mean to. Why? Why do I keep doing that? I want to come off one way, but then it comes off as something totally different. I come off as offensive when I'm not trying to be; I come off as not taking things seriously when I am; I come off as dark and in a mood when all I'm really doing is just thinking really hard. Why is it that I can't reflect the things and actions and thoughts of mine the way that I want them to be? I'm not talking about online exclusively. I know I've covered that here at least a dozen times. I've noticed that I do the same thing in person, particularly in my own family. My sister would get annoyed at me because of the way I'm trying to help her. My mom will think I'm joking when I'm trying to be serious. What is the deal with how I come off to people? Am I really that bad socially and I've yet to realize it? I can't be that bad. I mean, if I was, I wouldn't be talking to anyone! Even online!! So if I'm not socially declined to the level of a rock, then what is my problem? Why do I keep doing this? Why do I come off so backwards when I don't mean to?

I just don't get it. Sad to say, I probibly never will either. I mean, if I can't figure out what the root of the problem is to fix it, how can I fix it? It's like trying to sow a custom made suit without the mesurements of the guy that is going to wear it. You can't do it without something to go by. If you did, you wouldn't know if you were doing it right. That's partly why I don't try excersising. I don't know what I'm doing or if it will help me any. Okay, I know it will help me some, but I still don't know what I'm doing. If I do know what I'm doing like how I drink water to flush out what fat I can, then I can do it with no worry. That's how I work.

I know that how I work is probibly pathetic by most if not all standards of living. That probibly explains why I'm in the state that I am in life. If it doesn't, then I don't know what will.

My mother is crazy. This comfirms it.

Just awhile ago, I went to the store to check out some of the computers that a company is auctioning off because they filed bankruptcy. The desktop computers were all a bust as far as what they had out there. Don't get me wrong. The specks and numbers were all really good. It's just, none of them caught my interest like this one laptop they have. It was a Compaq with almost anything and everything on it for a mordern work/company laptop. All the bays you'll need, USB, even a one-touch media button set up! They estimate it will bring in about $300. Since I only have $19 in my wallet, that counts me out.

During a downtime in the lunch rush in the store, my mother tells me about this idea of hers. She says that since we are in the same market as those that cater to dinner needs as far as food goes that we should have like a dinner meal to go special and that we should experiment with the idea of what to serve at home first. I knew the moment she told me this that I was going to be involved one way or the other. She wants to send me off to that culinary school she found just so I can cook all the gourmet meals. I told her that I don't have to go because all we are doing is experimenting with this idea, like all the other ideas that go nowhere. I also told her that she was going to have to buy me alot of food items I know we don't have. Hey, come on, what's the point of preparing a meal if you don't have the right ingrediants? She told me she wants one meat, one chicken, and one fish dish. Fish I think I can do if I'm not distracted. All I have to remember is what Dan did that one night with the salmon steak. Chicken I know I can do... but it requires beer. Meat I think I can pull off... but it requires Jack Daniel's no. 7 whiskey. In the mists of it all, I started to run down some stuff that I want to experiment also as a side or as a meal in itself. I kept telling my mother that she is going to regreat putting me on this since I plan to buy alot of food I know she doesn't have here already. It got to the point where she said that she'd do the cooking. As pleasing as this was to hear, for some reason I wasn't happy when she said that. Go figure. I actually wanted to show off some to her since she's missed me actually cooking for two nights. So, as far as I know, tomorrow we are going to shop for items and I'm going to cook since tonight we are eating out.

Later, on our way home, we stopped by Target to pick up that trunk I was eying and getting depressed about. The strange thing is, my mother said that I've been nagging about it for the longest time. If I remember correctly, I haven't talked to her about it since the day I found it there for $30!! What has she been sniffing? Frankly, I think her wires were crossed, because the only thing I've been nagging to her about recently is about how much food she is going to by for the experiment.

In any case, I finally got that trunk I want.

Okay, so yesterday the Cowboy Bebop Movie DVD came out. I went with my sister to Best Buy since she was going to get a CD there. Guess what? She bought me the movie!

Today, I walked to the bank and withdrew $20 to pay her back. I put it into the mouth or her dead monkey alarm clock. No the alarm clock isn't of a dead monkey. It's a monkey alarm clock with a dead battery.

The movie was great! Simply great! I've seen the Japanese cut of it off of KaZaA, which I think was a rough edit of the film since there were some scenes in this version that I didn't see at first. That alone help me get throught he movie. Plus, it's in English, which means I don't have to worry about looking at the bottom of the screen to read all those subtitles just so I know what they are saying. Great lines too. I hope this wins some kind of award if it doesn't get nominated.

Speeking of movies, last night I was all over KaZaA trying to find porn to watch. I've been sexually deprived for a long time, and it peaked (no pun intended) last night. The sad thing is, I think I've been all over what porn I could get from KaZaA. At least, all the good stuff like College Fuck Fest or even Sean Cody. The Bait Bus got old after awhile. On top of that the girls got klepto and started stealing from their victems. I even looked at some of the stuff that I can't really talk about here! None of it was worth my time. It seems that the porn I get for free isn't all that great compared to the ones that I could buy today if I had the cash. You know which ones I'm talking about. I blogged about it at least once or twice. Maybe even five times knowing how I can't take my eyes off of Troy Baker from BG East. I guess it's like the old saying goes. "You get what you pay for."

Oh well, this is just another one of my problems. Just another one of many.

You would think I would have learned my lesson about downloading games off of KaZaA by now given what happened the last time. Nope.

Last night, I had to download Microsoft's Zoo Tycoon off of KaZaA. I mean, hey, they aren't going to release a bundle pack out any time soon since I bet they love the fact that people have to pop out $60 just to get the most of the game title, expansion packs and all. Well, that was a stupid thing to do. The download I got was so glitchy, it was pathetic. Icons didn't show, the computer's AI didn't do what it was suppose to do, the animals were dumber than usual (one of the Tomson's Gazelles couldn't find food that was right in front of it!). It was just sad.

Too bad I'm trying to hold out untill Pirates comes out in theathers.